The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
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if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
What if the weather talks about us?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
*seductively corrects your posture*
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”