the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
This has made my week.