The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
This meeting could have been a cake
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Pizza is an emotion right?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*