The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
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I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
(more comics:
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Lassie, get help!
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt