The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
How to woo a woman
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..