Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.