The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
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We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Have a lovely day 😊
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
i choose….tongue
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.