*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.