The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Do one person every day that scares you.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy