Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.