The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
getting old is fun
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
new career option?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan