The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
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My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.