The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
why I oughta
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
✌🏽
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.