The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
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(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My dating profile:
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug