The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.