Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

We need more people like this.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Lmao

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Life cycle of cat

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy