the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
