the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
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“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens