Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

For those that worship cheese..

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.