The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.