Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

bought wrong eggs

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*