Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Noted.

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit