The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.