Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.