The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to