The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing