The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
What the hell happened in there??
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
same energy
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.