Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”