The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.