the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
#dnd #ttrpg
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime