the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
You Might Also Like
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
this article brought to you by lions
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I am having an out of money experience.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.