Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Well, this certainly took a turn

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes