The median voter
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus