The median voter
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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
bat life
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do