The median voter
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Breaking news:
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?