Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
im all 3
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
girls literally only want one thing..