the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
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*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Priorities
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.