the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
You Might Also Like
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd