Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

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u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

👀

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

How do horror writers compete with current events?

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial