The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.