Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

A small tragedy.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

These are too funny not to post 😂

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.