Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

me

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?