Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fall of Netflix

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

What kind of a cult is this?

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing