The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
hello pervert is such a strong opener
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.