The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.