The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Life with a cat in one tweet
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Holy moly
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”