The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’