[the middle of showering] I need a break
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what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.