[the middle of showering] I need a break
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
