[the middle of showering] I need a break
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time