[the middle of showering] I need a break
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Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.