The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
i will avenge u mr van gogh
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
instagram is literally just screenshots of twitter
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.