The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?