The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.