The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).