The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?