Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.