The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?