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TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.