The Mission Impossible theme song plays as I try to have a balanced meal.
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Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
So the ex texted me
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat