The Mission Impossible theme song plays as I try to have a balanced meal.
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?