[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…