The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.