The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Already got one
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it