The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
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He-man has a Masters degree
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Y’all ready for this
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”