The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
🖤✌🏽
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.