The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
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I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
me hooking up with my ex
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.