The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
You Might Also Like
Just me and my debit card against the world
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”