The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12