The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.