Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

I want what they have

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?