The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
a fate I wish upon no one
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?