The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
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Good morning, Twitter x
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My circle of trust is a meatball
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
my name if I was in the mob
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.