Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.