Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

And bowling should be called pinball

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Mountain Goat : )

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans