The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Brilliant!
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids