The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
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Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Close call…
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753