Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Alexa; make it look like an accident

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

biblically accurate fire hydrant

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

how to have an accident 101

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).