The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
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me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Go girl power!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Miscakes
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Quadruple digit IQ
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
